With valentine’s day approaching, I thought I would share something I’ve come to realise about love recently. By no means am I experienced when it comes to boyfriends: For me there’s a first and there’s my current. However, there has been a huge difference in the relationships themselves and my personality too. Thankfully, I’m much happier with who I am now!
This difference has become most evident in the last few months – mainly since I started doing things for myself; such as driving my own car, paying my rent, writing a blog, joining a gym, going on holidays, having a job (or two). It’s all about the speed. I’m not necessarily talking about the speed of the relationship. In all honestly I wasn’t any more cautious or careful with this relationship than I was with the first even though I promised I would be in the desperate attempt to avoid pain again. Any other ladies feel this way?
Rather, it’s the speed of my life.
Last week I turned up at my boyfriend’s late and we were having trouble choosing what to eat. Eventually we just hopped into my car and our starving stomachs took us to Papa John’s pizza by 10pm. We hurried to bring that delicious box of godliness home, but I took just a moment to stop and say, ‘This is nice. What we do is nice.’
Now my boyfriend and I are quite different in this aspect – I’m a people watcher, he’s a minding my own business – so he wasn’t really sure what I meant, despite my attempt to explain!
These little things that we do such as a midnight McDonald’s or Netflix marathons all the way to the heart’s content: I just don’t want this to stop right now. I want everything to stay at it is.
That is the difference.
Such as other young teenagers (and I’m sorry to generalise but I really feel it’s the majority of us), I was in such a hurry to meet Mr. Perfect and have a beautiful house decorated with my lovely furniture, plenty of children and laughs and music all around. All by twenty two – twenty three at latest! That would be next year to put it into an extremely daunting context. My excuse would be to have it all young so I could enjoy it for a long time. Be so young I could relate and be ‘on trend’ with my children. I was desperate to be as happy as my peers appeared to be.
I’m not saying I don’t want those things anymore – a beautiful house, my boyfriend, kids – but it seems the older I have gotten, or perhaps closer to the “deadline” I had set myself, the more I push those things away. They can wait. With my first relationship, I absolutely grabbed the bull by the horns and dragged it towards that idea of perfection. Until inevitably, the bull saw red and ran right over me. Needless to say, I was heartbroken at losing the perfect image. But retrospectively that’s all I lost. If I’m cut from my current relationship, I lose him and I will miss him. That’s worse, but that’s what I’ve learnt love to be. Just him, not the aesthetic of boyfriend.
On another note, the idea of being able to enjoy “perfection” for a long time has left me: That’s not the way I see life anymore. If the story ends too soon, how will I ever know what could have happened next?
About a year ago I was very into reading Psychology Today. One of the articles that has stuck with me, is the idea that depending on someone can actually make you more independent. The motivation they give you, the support – it helps your own freedom and personality thrive. That’s also what I’ve found love to be. Without my boyfriend I may never have even started this blog, which is slowly becoming my life *obsessively and passionately*. And in a good way!
Finally I am able to appreciate who I am. Greatest of all, I have learnt to love myself.